what was.

when i came here, i didn't think I would be giving up much... when I got here, it took me less than 10 hours to ask myself "what in the world have i gotten myself into? and i can take my unpacked bags back to the airport right now"...but even then i didn't have a deep sense of loss or sacrifice..

6 months or so after i got here, my sister had a baby,,, i wished I could be there and i had a twinge of some sort of regret, but i still didn't think it would affect me much... but when i saw him on video in the hospital and it hit me that I was not there at all for it and I would not get to hold him... that hit me in a new way...

today i have been thinking about loss. coming here, i lost what was. some things will be the same. but they won't. people move on. their lives continue with or without me being a part of it. i miss what was even though i am content with what is. ah, life.